Creepiest Blind Date Ever — powered by Cracked.com
What’s in your backpack?
5/14/09
Submitted by: “Scooter”
“What’s in your backpack?”
That was my pickup line to X, a TDH (tall dark handsome) man bypassing me in a dark smoky concert where neither of us knew the band but agreed that it was shitty punk music. We went outside for a smoke where I discovered that he was European, the son of a diplomat, and had never worked a day in his life. He was cool and confident and very much in love with himself and seemed wonderfully odd. Wooed by the accent I embarked on a whirlwind romance. I should have picked up on the fact that something was wrong with him due to the fact(s) that:
1) In his backpack he had bottles and bottles of pills (which he falsely attributed to a rare blood condition) and sometimes seemed to be in a medicinal haze
2) Told me he wanted to marry me after date number two and
3) Would sometimes sleep for 20 hours straight.
At the time I overlooked these things because he would tell me that soon he would use his parents cash to take me around the world, and whatever, he had an accent. After two months he confessed that his visa had run out, and he had to go back to Europe, and could I please go with him. I said I liked my job here and I was happy and hopefully we’d find a way to make this work. So he left and we’d talk everyday and he’d fly to come visit once a month and would whine about his depression because of my absence, which I later found out to be complete and utter bipolar craziness. Because I would to discover this man was the operator of the crazytrain heading to Crazyville, planet Crazy.
I decide to go visit him, so I save up cash and jet off to Europe. It was fine and dandy for a day, until we get on a plane to Berlin to stay with friends, and 30,000 feet up in the air, he gives me the ultimatum: Marry me now for a visa and move here or break up. I was shocked but rational and chose the latter and when we get off the plane he takes off for the nearest bar, chugs scotch and turns into Mr. Hyde. The next two days he would pose the ultimatum again, and I would say no, and he’d pop 8 Valium, head to the neartest liquor store, and drink himself into a stupor. His friends told me that he has been instituionalized multiple times since high school and I didn’t know that and they were really sorry and couldn’t believe that he had convinced someone slightly normal to date him, but they were very nice and took me about the city and showed me around while X was off passing out in an alley somewhere. I book a train ticket to visit an old friend living in Hamburg and tell him and he leaves immediately, stumbles in 6 hours later with a Gyro and a belly full of a bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Advil. I call the ambulance and they take him away and before I board the train the next day I stop by the hospital to say goodbye and he tells me none of this would have happened if I just married him. I told him he’s fucking crazy, get on the train, and now know never again to ask a man what’s in his backpack, because who brings a backpack to a bar anyway.
Send in your dating stories! – If you don’t give me a name or alias I will post it as “anonymous”
The Cab Driver
4/15/09
Subitted by: Terpball
This isn’t a dating failure per se … but it involves a little dating, and a TON of FAIL!
So I was in the shower this morning, and managed to scratch my face as I was washing it. What the hell? I thought faux sea sponges were supposed to be soft!? Maybe I bit a nail while I was sleeping and managed to.. you know what, fuck it. Let me get to the point. Yesterday I hopped in a cab to be driven about 10 blocks by the weirdest, creepiest, most inappropriate cab driver I’ve ever encountered.
So I’m walking south on 16th street towards U st as I exit my apartment building and immediately start scoping the streets out for a cab. After walking 2 blocks, a vacant cab finally pulled up. Whew! One actually picked me up! I felt such a sense of relief! So I open the door and
me: U street please, Station 9
cab driver: no problem, you going to see girlfriend eh?
Interesting, the cab has not moved since I hopped in, and the driver starts with personal questions. I wasn’t carrying a bouquet of flowers, a grocery bag with feminine products, or even a booty call book bag… but whatever, this is typical cab driver small talk, so I play along. Barely.
me: nope
The cab finally starts moving… but he almost immediately puts his arm around the empty passenger seat to look at me in the back seat… while he was driving. I guess since the traffic was moving down 16th street at its normal pace of 4 mph this wasn’t such a huge deal.
cab driver: So you going to girl right? (makes fist motions that mimic that of a penis going in and out of a vagina)
cab driver: How many girl you have?
me: No, I just told you I’m going to Station 9 (then I smirk, because I’m a jackass)
At this point it seems like the cab driver was questioning my manhood. Why is it that if a guy goes into his cab, he has to be on his way to go in and out of a girl?
cab driver: So why you not going to one of your girl, you have girl right?
WTF? Why is he trying to get all up in my business? I know what you may be thinking… this is typical of cab drivers. Mind you though, we haven’t even gone one single block yet!
me: No I just had one girl, now I don’t have any girl.
Was it wrong of my to break my English down to his level? I could barely understand him, so I kinda assumed it was the right thing to do… maybe not though.
cab driver: so, so, so what race was your girl?
me: White
cab driver: Oh so you date just white girl?
me: no… but the last girl I dated was white, yes.
cab driver: So what else do you date?
I hate these questions, but I know there are some language and cultural differences here… maybe he wasn’t trying to be a jackass. I try to be polite.
me: I don’t care, if I like the girl, I like the girl.
cab driver: oh, ok, ok, which one is best with sex?
me: what? I don’t know man.
cab driver: Before last girl, what race?
me: Persian
D’oh!!! I should have been more careful. I am only half way to U street and I just opened up a whole can of… horrible, disgusting worms. I should have taken into account that the cab driver was middle-eastern when answering this question. FUCK!
cab driver: OOOOOHHHH, crazy with sex right? They always want sex. They will do anything! Like two sex and…
OK, let me cut it right here, did he just say “two sex?” WTF is that supposed to mean? At this point I don’t even want to know.
cab driver: two sex and… people think because of burka they don’t want to do anything. But you take it off and they want everything man.
me: Well, she didn’t wear a burka, she was raised here and her family isn’t religious at all.
cab driver: So who is best… aaah in the bed?
me: Dude, I don’t know
cab driver: Well who is easy? White girl or black?
me: I don’t know, I gues it depends…
cab driver: Well you know….
At this point I pretty much started ignoring the cab driver. He asked me the same questions over and over again, went on rants, and I was just not trying to have this type of conversation. Then… the most disturbing part comes. As I’m looking out the window, the background noise of the cab driver talking was suddenly interrupted with a familiar phrase that left me flummoxed earlier in this conversation.
cab driver: … will let you two sex
me: wait, what? I don’t understand what you’re saying.
cab driver: you know… two sex… they let you do it in butt.
me: whoa!
cab driver: eheheheh, yes! so, you know, once a month the Persian let you two sex in the butt and you don’t have to stop having sex… you know?
me: *cough *gasp
cab driver: you don’t like that?
OK, this cab driver has crossed many lines. He just jumped over a big one. But I just couldn’t tell him to shut up… I didn’t have the cajones. He was driving me, I didn’t know him, and he has already proven himself to be fucking insane.
me: I wouldn’t know anything about that
cab driver: no girls ever let you butt sex?
me: nah man
cab driver: ooooh, you can butt sex every month when… you know
OK, I can honestly say I didn’t listen to another word the cab driver said… except for “seven dollar fifty cents.” Then he wished me good luck with my imaginary girlfriend who I was about to make misogynistic “two sex” queries to every month. As I walked across 16th street, I felt the chills. I mean, it was pretty cold outside… but still.
Send in your dating stories If you don’t give me a name or alias I will post it as “anonymous”
UltimateSexMachineYOUCantLiveWithout
Fail
2/18/09
These are the words of Melissa
———————————————————————————————-
HERE IS EVERYTHING ALL IN ORDER
this is the day before our date – i guess i had just given him my legit email addy (i tried to log into match and pull our emails on there, but they are long gone by now :
From: Dan
Date: Tue, May 13, 2008 at 2:45 AM
Subject: test
To: Melissa
goodnight pretty lady
goodnight pretty moravian
nice to talk to you!
Dan
a little odd that hes bringing up my religion, but i guess i had been explaining it to him earlier?
—
i also thought it was interesting that he sent his java email to me and to his work email addy… like, did he want to SHOW it to his friends at work or something????
From: Dan
Date: Thu, May 15, 2008 at 9:29 PM
Subject: GOLDIES!!!!
To: Melissa
Cc: Dan
Melissa,
Had a great time meeting you last night- although I don’t remember getting a thank you for the drinks
. Let me know if your “dating algorithm”, after all inputs from inheritance class (source file) “MalesArousedByMelissa” returns the correct object “Dan” from class “UltimateSexMachineMelissaCantLiveWithout” so I can take you out on a formal date. I could write a song or a poem, but just this time, for your highly intelligent left hemisphere, I constructed a Java Applet- just for you- called ManSorter.java. Using this application, you can clearly see why you should allow me to ask you out again.
import objectdraw.*;
import java.awt.*;
/**
* This program uses a novel algorithm to quantitatively analyze and assess characteristics of Melissa’s male suitors
(includes real-time objective quantitative data on charisma and personality, goals-set/goals-attained ratios, penis size [and associated wielding skills], potential for a happy and successful future, probability of divorce, various dating statistics among 768 other int value data inputs).
The compiled algorithm yields object [name] of Melissa’s best match, saving much valuable time and opening up a world of unprecedented happiness.
*/
public class ManSorter extends WindowController {
{
// Variables of qualities and ratings of suitors
private MalesArousedByMelissa everyone;
private RealtimeSuitorStats dontDateLosers;
private ScheduledDatesWithRandomBoys notNecessary;
}
public void begin() {
public everyone statSort () {
return: list)
}
public void realTimeSuitorStats.arrage () {
return: list.sort(){
}
}
public void computeGuyMelissaShouldHangOutWithAndLetHelpWithHerNewApertment (){
return.topMan (){
{
Public void addToCanvas.topMan() {
{
{ topMan = DAN. rank #1 of 5,301,000)
{
topMan.showStats(){
Mature
Successful
VERY [i]well-endowed[/i]…
Can fix up your apartment in one day
Wont rush things
Think we have a chance
If you want more dating “experience” be my guest, but lets go out tomorrow night unless you have another date
public void manSorterSuggestions () {
Go out with Dan again.
Unless you’re actually seriously dating someone else right now and not telling me (totally possible for all I know), there’s nothing wrong with going on a date tomorrow night and hanging out at my apt. But, again, if you have something to hide or can’t break your dating rules, at least let me know if I can take you out tomorrow night, or in a few weeks…
ScheduledDatesWithRandomBoys = dull conversations and feeling of dissatisfaction;
}
}
}
—
the gmail convo that ensued
10:33 PM Dan: how’s the sanding?
how’s the sanding?
10:36 PM i can bring a power-sander!!!
43 minutes
11:19 PM me: ok, im not gonna lie to you, this email…. mn, there isnt an appropriate smiley for my response
suffice it to say, while its kinda cute that you wrote it in a programming language (even if its one that I hate), what I’ve read of it so far … well it fucking worries me
11:20 PM Dan: haha ok
sorry
me: no, like really
Dan: yeah i just fired it off… maybe too much
well i guess that settles that
sorry
11:21 PM me: yea you could say that (about the “maybe too much”)
Dan: it wasn’t meant to be so literal, but i obviously missed the mark
11:22 PM me: oh im not saying im taking it all literally
Dan: so sorry if i offended you
me: truthfully, i havent even gotten past the first screen, and im not even sure if i should continue to read…
11:23 PM Dan: i just through it together… i was bored… it was dumb
threw*
11:24 PM me: im a little offended (i mean, quite frankly at this point in time, its a bit presumptuous to be telling me how well endowed you are)
but mostly, it makes me wonder what made you think some of this content was a good idea….
Dan:well you asked me if i was a virgin last night
me: no i didnt
Dan: that was quite unexpected
me: i said i tried to put that on my profile
11:25 PM Dan: and then you asked me if i was
well i dont know you well enough to be arguing with you
sorry for offending you
11:26 PM you seem really angry
me: no im not
im just, well shocked mostly
Dan: was it just me that set you off?
11:27 PM yeah, probably a little innapropriate… but now i know what shocks you
well i appologize again…
11:29 PM is it something you can overlook? you don’t have a full understanding of my sense of humor… im typically not crude, rude, jealous… i can see how it maybe came off that way
11:31 PM i want to take you out again, but it sounds like you’ve got a lot lined up and you’re still learning what’s out there
but i could buy you dinner tomorrow night
11:33 PM im not an immature, just in it for sex, jealous, white trash guy
me: yea… i mean, im not gonna lie, the email was… wow yea
so, anyways, i mean i got this impression before last night and a little last night and now definatley after that email – you’re just a little over zealous for me
Dan: it this was enough to turn you off then that’s great we figured it out
me: yea
11:34 PM Dan: well… last night was the first date ive been on in about 2 years… so yeah… maybe i lost some tact over that period
11:35 PM well so i guess it’s settled now…
bummer
11:36 PM me: i mean, you’re a nice guy
but, just, over zealous, i think is the best way to describe it
and im sure there aer girls that works for
but it kind of scares me
Dan: haha
11:37 PM well, i’d say excited… and bored… and i miss being close to a nice girl
im not over zealous… maybe just a little tactless and a little too exced
11:38 PM well for the next girl i’ll turn it down a notch
sorry i fucked it up with you
me: yea, its a bit overwhelming
11:39 PM Dan: you just have more dating experience than me… over the last few years
me: yea
Dan: like, how?
im not going to stalk you
me: like
Dan: ill never talk to you again after tonight
me: ok, i dont mean this meanly but this is the best way i know how to describe it
11:40 PM Dan: go for it…
i wont get mad
me: nah, nevermind
Dan: say it!
11:41 PM please
be nice
me: over-eager puppy, is the phrase that comes to mind
11:42 PM Dan: well… yeah… i was almost crippled… havent had sex in 2 years… just getting back in shape
so sorry
and thanks for the sympathy
but seriously… it’s good to know that’s how I came off
11:43 PM ill man up and get back in the groove
i was never rejected before this whole major injury thing
never had dating issues
so this is a first
11:44 PM me: sorry
11:45 PM Dan: i guess im just feeling so much better now and it’s like i have my life back again so i want to jump right in… but to the outside it comes off a little desparate/over-eager
11:46 PM me: just… tone it down some, best advice i can offer
Dan: so honestly, how many other guys are you talking to now?
gotcha
i will
me: potential dates? 2 or 3
actually been discussed and planned? none yet
11:48 PM Dan: well are you patient enough to go out with me again… we can just have another drink at goldies tomorrow night
11:49 PM me: no, i dont think so
but i wish you the best of luck
Dan: you wont have to be patient for long
then the emails, after i blocked him on gmail chat
On Thu, May 15, 2008 at 11:55 PM, Dan wrote:
what’s the harm with just hanging out and talking. it doesnt always have to be about yes, or no. there’s other things like visiting… talk, etc. you really didnt just block me did you? thats rough
On Thu, May 15, 2008 at 11:57 PM, Melissa wrote:
see, this is what i mean
over zealous
bye
On Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:09 AM, Dan wrote:
Well, I’ve never met such a selfish “professional” dater… It’s always just yes or no with you… so focused on what YOU think you want, so afraid of conversation or change… confident, attractive, intelligent, but maybe just selfish and insecure… I wish you the best of luck. I’m always willing to improve myself and work things out, you won’t even offer yourself the chance to see how eagerly and successfully I’ll take your positive criticisms. But it doesn’t work with someone who has no regard for any sort of middle ground. I never even got a “thank you” for last night… Maybe that’s a good tip-off for the future, too. I’m going to take this experience and learn from it… and change. I hope you can humble yourself enough to see if there are things that you can improve in your personal life. I’m willing to change… to prove myself to you, but you seem too self-absorbed and intolerant. I wish you the best of luck, and thanks for the advise. You will never hear from me again!
On Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:16 AM, Melissa wrote:
I did thank you.
And no, its not always yes or no. But, yea if I don’t want to go to your apartment or don’t want you to come to mine, on the first date, then a no is a no.
I’ve ignored warning signs in the past with guys, to my detriment and I’m working on not doing that this time around.
Sorry, I think its for the best for both of us.
And seriously, we shouldn’t be having to “work things out” after the first date. That doesn’t bode well for a relationship.
On Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:39 AM, Dan wrote:
well talk less and listen more. maybe you’ll be learn to distinguish between detrimental warning signs and genuine integrity
Send in your dating stories If you don’t give me a name or alias I will post it as “anonymous”
